Last night was splendid. I’m probably jinxing my luck by writing this, but I need to acknowledge it somehow: for the first time in my life as a mother, I was able to successfully put Finn in his crib AWAKE at bedtime and watch him actually fall asleep there. He flipped from to back to tummy to side, which he prefers, stuck his little doughboy feet in and out of the bars of his crib as he loves to do, rolled from one end of the mattress to the other, flopped his legs up and down — his right leg in particular — and then drifted off to a peaceful sleep that carried him through until morning.
This may seem like a small achievement, but believe me, it’s not. I’ve spent so many hours feeding and rocking Finn to sleep, only to have him wake and cry as I transition him to his crib… after which Keith or I take him out and repeat the process until it works. Only once he’s soundly down will he sleep through the night. Sometimes my fear that I’ll wake him makes me clumsier and creates a self-fulfilling prophecy; sometimes echoes of those telling me I’m “spoiling” him fill me with self-doubt; sometimes my anxiety about our night-time ritual sucks the joy out of this special time with Finn.
Even if tonight happens to be a long one, and my eyelids are heavy tomorrow, my mind will be more at ease: I’ve seen what the near future will be like — when Finn is ready. I’m happy I got that glimpse, and that Finn got such a good night’s sleep! He woke up absolutely delighted to start the day:
(P.S. Please note that Finn’s size 9 month pajamas are open because the massive size of his thighs keeps them from closing! I still use them with certain buttons open, however, because I want him to sleep with “footy” pjs, which don’t seem to be readily available in size 1!)